Adult Themes, Americana, Bluegrass, Country Song, Funny, Hokum, Inspired by People, Love, Lyrics, Marriage, Mom, No Music Yet, Snarky, Women

South Mouth

My sweetheart's got a South Mouth
She's the loudest one in the room
She cracks jokes n tells her stories
like she's singin' a Hank Williams tune
She can't help but be a little ornery
but she's as quiet as a church mouse
When we're home on our easy chairs
in our little white country house

My sweetheart's got a South Mouth
when she's out with her girls
She doesn't care who hears her
as she plays with her curls n pearls
She can't help but be smartassy
to the all the cowboys in town
But when she's home with family
She's not some silly circus clown

She's a grand ol' time
at the honky tonk
She's as wild there
as a woman can be
But she's a prim
and proper housewife
Who loves her
daughters and even me

So when you hear her South Mouth
Don't let it fool ya she's a true lady
She's just blowin' off steam, havin' drinks
She's not permanently crazy

Nah, she's not permanently crazy.

July 2, 2022
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Adult Themes, Americana, Bluegrass, Country Song, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Optimism, Relationships, Romance, Snarky

Old-Money Man

She wanted an old-money man
one who wore a uniform
She wanted an old-money man
Someone who’d keep her warm
Someone who’d wear a silk tie
Someone who’d wear pricy suits
She wanted an old-money man
Not one who wore muddy boots

Well, I’m not an old-money man
I’m a denim and flannel guy
Yeah, I’m not an old-money man
I love sunsets and rhubarb pie
I love workin’ with my hands
and hangin’ at the corner bar
and I’d rather be drivin’ my truck,
than some fancy sports car

So, imagine my surprise
when I looked into her eyes
and she looked into mine
She decided right then n there
I was a breath of fresh air
and threw out all her vintage wine

Now, I’m not her old-money man
Turns out she’s a country girl at heart
Nah, I’m not her old-money man
Yes indeed, it’s ’til death do us part

Yeah, imagine her surprise
when she looked into my eyes
and I looked into hers
She chose me right then n there
I wasn’t rich, she didn’t care
We’re in for the better or worse

No, I’m not an old-money man
I’m a denim and t-shirt guy
Yeah, I’m not an old-money man
I love farming and apple pie
I love workin’ with my tools
and beers on Saturday night
and cuddlin’ on the couch
and livin’ just a normal life

Instead of livin’ in Boston or New York
We’re happy raisin’ kids on our land
And I’m grateful she chose me
Instead of some old-money man

Instead of some stuck up
old fart and old-money man

August 23, 2021

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Americana, Growing Up, Hokum, Inspired by High School, Inspired by People, Inspired By Situations, No Music Yet, Power Pop, Punk Pop, Snarky

Etiquette Nazis

There she is at the dinner party
Telling them all how to behave
There she is at the dinner party
Doin’ that Princess Wave

There she is at the dinner party
Giving orders like an Uppity Dame
Expecting everyone to be Preppy
Expecting everyone to be the same

Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazi
Somebody tell her she’s all wrong
Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazi
Somebody tell her about this song
Somebody tell her we’re all different
Somebody tell her no one cares
Tell her someone blew chunks
At the bottom of the marble stairs

There he is at the Frat mixer
Telling them to use a coaster
There he is at the Frat mixer
Acting like a covert boaster

There he is at the Frat mixer
Sippin’ on his Chardonnay
There he is at the Frat mixer
Not impressed by what we say

Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazi
Somebody tell him he’s all wrong
Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazi
Somebody tell him about this song
Somebody tell him we’re all different
Somebody tell him he’s out of place
Tell him he’s dressed too polished
And he’s got a punchable face… Hey!

We’re all wearing flannels
With worn-out denim and Vans
They don’t like the finger food
But look at them holding hands
Look at them holding hands
Look at them holding hands

Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazis
Somebody tell them they’re wrong
Somebody tell the Etiquette Nazis
Somebody tell them about this song
Somebody tell them we’re all different
Somebody tell them no one cares
Oh, and tell them someone upchucked
All over their Grandma’s chairs

Yeah, tell them someone upchucked
All over their Grandma’s chairs

July 29, 2021

Behind the Lyric: You’ll discover I’m a big fan of the website TV Tropes. It’s actually a great resource to any kind of writer’s device possible and it really provides a shortcut to ideas, which I am a fan of now. So this one is inspired by a specific trope called: Etiquette Nazi. Check it out!

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Autobiographical, Hokum, Inspired by an Article, Introspective, Lyrics, Naughty, No Music Yet, One Night Stands, Romance, Satire

Grinding the Corn

t took me a long while
To understand how to do it right
Like a younger boxer
Who’s training hard for a fight

I didn’t learn it from a book
It was from experience & porn
Then I finally got the hang
Of grinding the corn

I had lots of partners
They lost their patience with me
I didn’t have what they needed
To be comfortable and free

Until I started comprehending
I had to poke it like a thorn
Then she was hot and bothered
From grinding the corn

Grinding the cord
Is harder than it seems
It’s easier to do it
When you’re having wet dreams
Grinding the corn
Has nothing to do with food
But once you master the process
It’ll put your woman in a better mood

I can’t tell you how to do it
You’ll have to learn on your own
But you can’t be soft or timid
You’ve gotta be hard as a stone

You’ve gotta keep your goal in mind
Until she blows that mighty horn
Then you both will get great sleep
After grinding the corn

So keep at it, you’ll eventually master
The art of grinding the corn

Memorial Day Weekend, 2021

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Adult Themes, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Optimism, Relationships, Satire

Soon, You’ll Have Tacos

We were driving in the middle of nowhere
With the windows open and I felt her stare
We were starving and she wanted Taco Bell
I couldn’t agree more, I wanted it as well

I said soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, Soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

The sign said the next town was miles away
Her hungry stomach told her it wasn’t ok
Not even a Snickers would change her mood
Cause she couldn’t wait to have Mexican food

I said soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, Soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

She was getting crazy
It was getting dark
But we got to the lot
She said stop the car

I said, soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

We went to the door they locked it shut
Then she almost kicked my sorry butt
The thing that saved me was the drive thru
And it was better than a dream come true

Cause we were havin’ tacos
We were havin’ really good tacos
Instead of sayin’ soon you’ll have tacos
I said, “How did you like the tacos, dear?”
And she said,

“They were great, now let’s go to that bar
And have some ice cold American beer.”

April 9, 2021

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Americana, Barbershop, Funny, Hokum, Jazz, Love, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Optimism, Relationships, Romance

Your Guess Is As Good As Mine

You ask me why I love you
 Why I’m always thinking of you
 Why your kisses are better than wine
 I couldn’t even tell you
 Why I love to smell you
 Your guess is as good as mine

 It could be your bright eyes
 Or that attractive hip size
 Or your smile, how it shines
 Maybe my heart is saying
 I should be often praying
 And forget all my ex-Valentines

 Maybe it’s not as important
 The answer to your question, "Why?"
 Maybe if you believe me
 And you don’t hurt or deceive me
 The truth will never be a lie

 I could say it’s your laughter
 Is the reason why I’m after
 Your lips so soft and divine
 I’d explain it if I could
 If you said that it would
 prove this ain't a corny line
 But baby, your guess is as good as mine

 Baby, your guess is as good as mine

January 31, 2021
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Adult Themes, Americana, Blues, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Parody Lyrics, Satire, Snarky

Skin Tag Blues

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

Skin tags  on my belly
Skin tags on my back
Skin tags on the nape of my neck
Skin tags near my crack

Skin tags in all kinds of places
I don’t like them one bit
Cause whenever I touch ‘em
I have a conniption fit

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

I went to see a skin specialist
She said she’d remove ‘em for a fee
But she also said it would hurt like hell
That really disappointed me

I tried clipping one of them off
Boy they really do bleed
I’ve even numbed ‘em & cut ‘em
But they just grow back like weeds

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

January 1, 2021

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Hokum, Inspired by People, Lyrics, Verse Poetry

I Know That Guy

We went to school with him in California
He had so many things on his plate
He lettered in four sports and belonged to many clubs
He was in charge of his unpredictable fate

You were his steady girlfriend for two years
He’s had the best friend since the 5th Grade
It appeared to our peers and the whole town
That he had it made in the shade

But he was the hardest worker I ever knew
His standards got higher as he grew
I asked him once what he wanted to do
Then he smiled at me and looked at you

Then said;
I’m here to be with her through the good times and bad
I’m here to make her happy when she’s feeling sad
I’m here to inspire everybody until I die
So whenever you saw me, you’d say, “Hey, I know that guy”

After High School he went to a little school called Harvard
He got straight A’s in math so he studied that
But he was also artistic and creative
He’d write as he washed his clothes in the laundromat

His roommate was a genius who wrote music
One of the best singer-songwriters I’d ever met
His song about Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
Was my favorite one I’ll never forget

Tom was the hardest working student I’d ever seen
But his songs were offensive and many called him mean
When I asked him at a party what his next one would be
He looked at you and him and then he laughed at me

He said;
I’m here to make fun of everything- that’s called Parody
And eventually I’ll teach mathematics at a college town by the sea
Your friend told me about a school in Santa Cruz where life is like pie
and I’ll hide from strangers who say, “Hey, I know that guy!”

So my friend helped his singing roommate out
By selling his albums by mail and his shows
And what happened to Tom Lehrer
Well now everybody knows

He conquered the novelty music business
Then taught Math ‘n Music Theatre for many years
At his songs, he wrote for all his classes
The students would laugh so hard then break out in tears

And my buddy who helped Tom get over his fear
Well, he built quite a long and lasting career
He produced many famous and great jazz acts
He just didn’t ever know what it was like to relax

When he walks into a restaurant or goes shopping now
People stop in their tracks and start to stare
He’ll sign autographs for people when they ask
And he’s a multi-millionaire

Whenever he comes into our hometown
The three of us go down to the Junior High
His best friend I mentioned earlier, you know he’s me
And that rascal’s still in love with you, my wife
When he met our son, he screamed “Hey, I know that guy!”
Our son snapped back- “What’s the deal with that tie?”

2010

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Adult Themes, Americana, Blues, Country Song, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Satire, Snarky

If You’re Looking For My Heart

I don’t know if you even care
though you’re sittin’ with me here
With me at this bowling alley bar
and you just ordered me a cold beer

I’m not used to forward women
But before we even start
It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart

It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart
And it’s likely gone to the dump
Smelling like a really bad fart
Some critter’s probably got to it
He’s crapped it out by today
So if you’re looking for my heart
You best give up and walk away

I’m not much of a man without it
I’m as empty as a man can be
All I do is eat, drink, piss ‘n shit
No woman would wanna be with me

My ex-wife took all my money
And I’m never gonna get it back
So if you’re looking for my heart
It’s crapped out from a critter’s crack

Cause
It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart
And it’s likely gone to the dump
Smelling like a really bad fart
Some critter’s probably got to it
He’s crapped it out by today
So if you’re looking for my heart
You best give up and walk away

If you’re looking for my heart
Take my advice, just walk away

September 26, 2019

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