Autobiographical, Hokum, Inspired by an Article, Introspective, Lyrics, Naughty, No Music Yet, One Night Stands, Romance, Satire

Grinding the Corn

t took me a long while
To understand how to do it right
Like a younger boxer
Who’s training hard for a fight

I didn’t learn it from a book
It was from experience & porn
Then I finally got the hang
Of grinding the corn

I had lots of partners
They lost their patience with me
I didn’t have what they needed
To be comfortable and free

Until I started comprehending
I had to poke it like a thorn
Then she was hot and bothered
From grinding the corn

Grinding the cord
Is harder than it seems
It’s easier to do it
When you’re having wet dreams
Grinding the corn
Has nothing to do with food
But once you master the process
It’ll put your woman in a better mood

I can’t tell you how to do it
You’ll have to learn on your own
But you can’t be soft or timid
You’ve gotta be hard as a stone

You’ve gotta keep your goal in mind
Until she blows that mighty horn
Then you both will get great sleep
After grinding the corn

So keep at it, you’ll eventually master
The art of grinding the corn

Memorial Day Weekend, 2021

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Adult Themes, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Optimism, Relationships, Satire

Soon, You’ll Have Tacos

We were driving in the middle of nowhere
With the windows open and I felt her stare
We were starving and she wanted Taco Bell
I couldn’t agree more, I wanted it as well

I said soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, Soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

The sign said the next town was miles away
Her hungry stomach told her it wasn’t ok
Not even a Snickers would change her mood
Cause she couldn’t wait to have Mexican food

I said soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, Soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

She was getting crazy
It was getting dark
But we got to the lot
She said stop the car

I said, soon,
Babe, soon
Soon, soon
Soon, Soon
You’ll have tacos
Oh yeah –
Soon, you’ll have tacos

We went to the door they locked it shut
Then she almost kicked my sorry butt
The thing that saved me was the drive thru
And it was better than a dream come true

Cause we were havin’ tacos
We were havin’ really good tacos
Instead of sayin’ soon you’ll have tacos
I said, “How did you like the tacos, dear?”
And she said,

“They were great, now let’s go to that bar
And have some ice cold American beer.”

April 9, 2021

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Adult Themes, Americana, Blues, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Parody Lyrics, Satire, Snarky

Skin Tag Blues

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

Skin tags  on my belly
Skin tags on my back
Skin tags on the nape of my neck
Skin tags near my crack

Skin tags in all kinds of places
I don’t like them one bit
Cause whenever I touch ‘em
I have a conniption fit

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

I went to see a skin specialist
She said she’d remove ‘em for a fee
But she also said it would hurt like hell
That really disappointed me

I tried clipping one of them off
Boy they really do bleed
I’ve even numbed ‘em & cut ‘em
But they just grow back like weeds

I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
I’ve got the Skin Tag Blues
They’re all over my feet
That’s why I don’t like wearin’ shoes
Skin Tag Blues
Skin Tag Blues
There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

There’s nothin’ I can do
‘bout these Skin Tag Blues

January 1, 2021

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Adult Themes, Americana, Blues, Country Song, Funny, Hokum, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Satire, Snarky

If You’re Looking For My Heart

I don’t know if you even care
though you’re sittin’ with me here
With me at this bowling alley bar
and you just ordered me a cold beer

I’m not used to forward women
But before we even start
It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart

It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart
And it’s likely gone to the dump
Smelling like a really bad fart
Some critter’s probably got to it
He’s crapped it out by today
So if you’re looking for my heart
You best give up and walk away

I’m not much of a man without it
I’m as empty as a man can be
All I do is eat, drink, piss ‘n shit
No woman would wanna be with me

My ex-wife took all my money
And I’m never gonna get it back
So if you’re looking for my heart
It’s crapped out from a critter’s crack

Cause
It’s been thrown in the trash
If you’re looking for my heart
And it’s likely gone to the dump
Smelling like a really bad fart
Some critter’s probably got to it
He’s crapped it out by today
So if you’re looking for my heart
You best give up and walk away

If you’re looking for my heart
Take my advice, just walk away

September 26, 2019

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Adult Themes, Inspired by a Movie, Inspired by a Place, Lyrics, Murder Ballad, No Music Yet, Nostalgia, Satire, Snarky, Suspenseful

Halloween in Haddonfield

Parents go out and leave their kids at home
With hot looking babysitters who mess around
Their boyfriends arrive when the kids are asleep
And they try not to make any big sounds

Maybe they decided to watch a scary movie
Maybe they’re drinkin’ beer n gettin” high
They’re likely dry humpin’ in the family room
They don’t know about the mad bad guy

Who’s got the white Captain Kirk mask on
And a butcher knife in his bloody hand
He’s been stalking them the past few days
It’s like a horrified wonderland
You already know why the killer’s there
His twisted motive has been revealed
You’re in suspense ’cause you’re watchin’
People gettin’ killed on
Halloween in Haddonfield

Yeah they’re all gonna die
On Halloween in Haddonfield.

October 10, 2018

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About Songs, Creativity Themes, Inspired by People, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Optimism, Satire, Snarky

Smarter Than You

If you listen closely to these words
and the progressions being played
You will question your intelligence
and everything you’ve ever made

And at night you’ll lie awake
because you won’t fall asleep
And you may want to get rid of
the things you need to keep

This song
This song
This song
This song
This song is smarter than you

Why even try to outsmart these words
or detect the lesson being taught
Or go back in time to review
all the fights you’ve ever fought

And all the lies you believed
All the stories you’ve ever read
Won’t haunt you like this tune
You now can’t get outta your head

This song
This song
This song
This song
This song is smarter than you

Oh face the facts
and quietly relax
Don’t think about what you’ll do
but forget this song
This song
This song
This song
is smarter than you

But know it’s smarter
than me, too
Yeah, it’s smarter
than me, too.

August 19, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I am a big They Might Be Giants fan. I could hear John Linnell sing this one, for that voice was the one I heard as I wrote this one. The whole time the person is saying this song is smarter, but in the end, it’s smarter than everyone combined. It’s very narcissistic but it was fun to write.

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Adult Themes, Funny, Inspired by High School, Introspective, Jazz, Lyrics, Naughty, No Music Yet, Parody Lyrics, Satire

Maybe It’s Just My Boner

When I was younger than I am now
I’d get erections all the time
In classrooms and bathrooms
The feeling was very sublime

So it’s weird now that I’m older
‘Cause my dick doesn’t go up much these days
Even when I’m not attracted to the girl
it decides to go against my heart and raise

And as I dance real close
to a girl who I just met that night
I feel it slowly rising, she does too
Then I question if it’s really right

Maybe it’s love
or maybe it’s just my boner
playing tricks on me
Maybe it’s romance
or maybe it’s just my boner
on one big shopping spree
Maybe it’s telling me
she could be the one
but it also could just be implying
that it wants to be in her bun
I know I cannot ever be sure
Maybe it’s just my boner

Maybe it’s just my boner.

2003

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Americana, Inspired by a Place, Inspired by High School, Inspired by People, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Satire

Preppy Coastal Town

Whenever she looks over to him, her lips part
And he’s thinkin’ bout his favorite go-kart
Instead of payin’ attention to her come-hither look
He’s hidin’ behind a NASCAR History book

She wants him to talk to her ‘bout his muscle car
And dreams together, they’ll go wide ‘n far
But he’s pining for the redhead in our class
He likes her crimson lipstick and her sass

It’s a typical love triangle in this preppy coastal town
where a girl’s expected to go to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, pick a sport
Party, sow their oats, ‘n not be a Beta clown
Then find a proper girl from the big city
Who’ll say I do in a satin and lace wedding gown

But the boy’s not into all that, he’s a rebel with a plan
He’ll get a GED and get out outta here while he can
She doesn’t know he’s going into the Army infantry
I only know all this cause his best friend is me

I’ve liked the same girl I’ve known for quite a while
I like that she plays sports and has a country style
She doesn’t feel the same, she likes the quarterback
Little does she know a teacher’s had him in the sack

It’s a typical soap opera story in this preppy coastal town
Where a girl’s expected to go off to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, graduate
Sow their oats, make some mistakes but rebound
Then marry, have an affair & divorce in their 40’s or 50’s
& end up with a fatty liver from all that Tanqueray & Royal Crown

They’ll all end up with fatty livers from Tanqueray & Royal Crown
In this scenic, messed-up, rich-rich, coastal preppy town.

March 1, 2018

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Americana, Blues, Lyrics, No Music Yet, Satire

#FAKEBLUES

My girlfriend – she walked out that door
and never looked back again
I’ve been itchin’ to write some songs
but I can’t seem to find a pen

Got a job last year I can’t stand
but it’s the best one I’ve ever had
My redemption is things happen to me
but none of it is half that bad

I got the #FAKEBLUES
I got the #FAKEBLUES
It’s all pretend
I’ve been on the mend
‘Cause I bought new shoes
May not know where I’m goin’
but I know I just won’t lose
Cause I’m makin’ a-livin’
Singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

My pickup truck’s got a flat tire
Mama never calls me right back
Daddy didn’t teach me a damn thing
and there’s so much stuff I lack

My children are kinda crazy
My day-job boss hates my guts
and Trump on @Twitter yesterday
called me a loser and a putz

I got the #FAKENEWS
I got the #FAKENEWS
I really don’t give a crap
if I lost my baseball cap
or if I have to pay my dues
My problems, they are minimal
since I stopped drinkin’ that booze
and started learnin’ to play guitar
so I could sing this real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
It’s somethin’ I choose
Singin’ these real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
I’m one with my muse
as I’m singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

January 19, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I was really inspired to write something because my wife and I saw Paul Thorn for the first time last night. This is kind of my second shot at writing something that I think he would enjoy or for that matter, someone else like Todd Snider. KPIG (Freedom, CA) is one of those stations that kind of is burned into my brain and this goes right along with what I could see KPIG playing. Enjoy

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